Tag Archives: thoughts

Things a’changing

There are days, when I question things about my life, and my choices. Today has been one of these forsaken days. Actually, I have been at it since 3AM, but that is beyond my point.

I was thinking about back in 2011, when I had my first Christmas alone, living far away from my family, friends, and on top of that, in another country – How courageous was I, to take such a big leap, leaving everything and everyone behind!

Before then, I have never lived alone, and I had no idea about the kind of responsibility and effort it entails to live and make ends meet at the end of the day, and month when all bills came crawling up. I have done a great job, and learned a lot from this experience.

When I have moved back to Malta, I was not willing to move back with the family, as I enjoyed my independent life too much to let go of it. So much so, that within a year of renting, I purchased my own property.

Although this made sense financially, this has indirectly tied me to this country without even realising at the time. Now that I have settled down in such a “grown up” lifestyle, it seems to me that I have become more self conscious when taking decisions. And I shall give you an example. This week, I was meant to travel, but my plans fell apart, and I have decided to give up the holiday based on two reasons:
1. I should not travel alone at night
2. Accommodation has risen up in price (it also being Christmas holidays, and included NYE), and a last minute purchase would have costed me my entire savings for my holiday.

If I did not have my house to worry about, and if I were not such a wuss, I would be in the UK right now, enjoying cold weather, possibly fog and snow, and beautiful beautiful scenery. How silly am I? Where has all my self confidence gone? What has tarnished my spirit in such a way?

And if you are wondering why I wrote this and why I am sharing this with my readers, it is because I want to be able to read this whenever I need to, so I do not repeat such thing ever again. And also, to try to keep reminding myself that not all my decisions in the past years have been as bad.

Now to try and live life guilt free… and keep moving forward… >>>

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Stuck For Words: Supporting A Grieving Friend

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The loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things we go through as human beings. You can’t fathom the depth of pain and sadness without experiencing it firsthand. It’s also difficult watching a friend go through a bereavement. It’s natural to feel helpless and to worry about saying the wrong thing. You can’t bring their loved one back, but you can help them through the pain.

Stay In Touch

The important thing is to stay in touch. You may not know what to say, but don’t let that stop you from being present. Your friend is likely to feel hurt if you avoid her. Be honest and explain that you have no words. Tell her that you’re so sorry and that you’re there for her in any way she needs. Take a little token of your friendship, such as flowers or chocolate. This is not to make things better. It’s to show you care.

Don’t Be Afraid Of Tears

Your friend may cry, and that may be painful to watch. But tears are important. They are a way of releasing the painful feelings. Don’t run away and don’t try to make her stop. There are few greater acts of friendship than holding someone else’s pain.

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Practical Things

When someone dies, there are lots of practical things that need to be done. People need to be notified, and funeral preparations need to be made. Often this is overwhelming. Find out if there’s anything you can do to help. It may be little things like making phone calls. Or your friend may need help with sympathy and funeral flowers.

Sometimes asking what the person needs isn’t helpful. They may be inundated with offers and not know what to say. Therefore, suggesting ways in which you could help is an option. Food is always a good place to start. Even at the most difficult times we still need to eat. People will be visiting, and food may need to be provided. Preparing some meals is likely to be welcome.

Avoid Cliches

In difficult situations, it’s easy to reach for cliches. However, where grief is concerned, they are not always well received. If you have just lost someone you care about deeply, you don’t want to hear that they are in a better place. Or, that God only sends you things you can deal with. This is likely to provoke sadness and even anger. Keep it simple. Be honest and truthful. It’s better to acknowledge you don’t know what to say, rather than reaching for a cliche.

Don’t Tell Them What To Do

Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way of navigating bereavement. Everyone must find their own process. So don’t tell your friend she’s doing it wrong. Don’t tell her the ‘right way’ to do it. Let her experience this for herself and steer her own course.

Like grieving, there’s no right or wrong way to be there for someone. First and foremost, show up. Be honest if you don’t know what to say. Try to be helpful. And then take your cue from your friend. Listen to her and be there, in whatever way she needs you to be.

Dreams… are they an indication of truth?

Are you familiar with waking up just around 10 minutes before your alarm goes off? You do your best to sleep again, as if your life depends on it.

It is during these few minutes that I get the most vivid of dreams. Often than not, dreams that will shaken me for the rest of the day.

Today, it was one of them days.

It felt so real that I woke up with tears on my face.

Do you believe that dreams are meaningful? Do you think that there is a little truth in every dream…? Is it an indication of what will happen in the near future? Is it just your insecurities and worst nightmares manifesting when you are trying to get a few hours of rest?

I for one, hope not.

Dilemmas

What do you do when there’s an awkward silence?
When you run out of things to say…?
How do you come up with another fun topic… without being too obvious?

I don’t want to talk about the weather, or what I am currently up to.
I utterly hate small talk.

Seriously, if I am up to something, I wouldn’t really be online, chatting. (Unless you are special or close enough to me, that you’d trump TV Series, my walks, my outings etc.)

But, what I hate most is, when I am thinking, “oh finally a conversation with more than just a hello, how are you and what’s up” and then the person tells me they have to go because they are bored. Wow. Seriously?
Thank you for taking your time to write that message to me before you leave. You could have come up with a better excuse.

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Thank you for making my life easier.
I know who I won’t be speaking to tomorrow.

Do you follow your heart or your head?


When you’re at cross roads… should you follow your heart or your head?

There are situations in life which make you struggle; make you unsure of your existence or what to do next. Should you stay or should you leave?
It is at moments like these when I wonder what to do… Should I follow my heart or my head?

Neither of the choices are ideal.

I think there were not many situations or experiences in my life, where I had a straight answer – where my heart and head were in agreement.

In the sense that;head-vs-heart-sign
– with change comes doubt
– with change comes insecurity
– with change comes something new

Is it the right choice?
Will I benefit from this?
Will I regret it?
Should I try harder?

Sometimes, you can find “comfort” in the devil you know – at the very least, you are familiar with what you currently have in your life; there is no fear of the un-known.

Thoughts?

Pain without Love

When your heart is in sorrow
Breaking –
Colliding into nothingness

When you feel like all hope
is shattered –
Drunk out of control

When you risked it all
so, vulnerable
from happiness to numbness

Save me –
Repeat

 

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//By Steffi – 2016.06.01

What do you want in life?

There it is – possibly one of the biggest questions you can ask yourself, and the people around you.

If you were to ask me, it is very difficult to not know what you want in life.

Okay, I am not expecting you to have it all planned out, or to know every single step of the way, but surely you know where you want to end up, realistically speaking. I don’t think there’s any person in the world, who has never thought about this. I mean how could you? Even if you just day dream…. Everyone has plans… Maybe for some, it is just hard to admit or to share with others. But they are there; at the back of your mind.

I mean…

  • Who would want to end up doing the same first job over and over again for the rest of his life?
  • Who wants to live with his parents for ever and ever?
  • Who doesn’t dream of a better future, or of bettering themselves?

Surely there are things that you want to achieve, be it small or huge… we are the only ones who stand in our way to make things come true. Or perhaps, someone close to you who can’t seem to make up their mind.

Always remember, no pain – no gain. A life without struggles, is not worth living; or having.

People.

I know, the title of this blog post is a little bit out there and a little bit generic, but today, I am in the mood of writing what’s on my mind and that’s about it. This won’t be the most structured post you will read from my end, but it will contain some raw thoughts coming up straight from my brain onto paper.

Why are some people so hard to figure out?

I’m all up for challenges, as I am not one who likes things easy in life (might be because I always work hard to get what I want, and I was never spoon fed), but sometimes you just want things to go your way without a single word or disagreement.

It bothers me when people behave around me (in private) one way… being all funny and goofy and sweet and loyal…. and then in public they are a totally different person. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that they feel comfortable enough around me and trust me enough to show me their soft side, but why all the changes? Why do you have to turn into a cold / inconsiderate / macho beast when with friends?

Is this normal, or is this because one of their personalities is fake, just to lure people in their life?

As if life is a popularity contest.

I know that as a person, I behave different with different people, but mainly because some of my acquaintances do not appreciate certain qualities I have and I’d rather not create chaos and go with the flow. But with people I know, love or consider as friends… I’d be truly myself…. and if you can’t deal with that… it’s your loss.

Thoughts?

Restless nights and its atrocities

What I refer to dreams in this article are the ones you actually get while you are asleep, not the other kind which I aspire to reach in the coming days, months or years.

I am not one who dreams a lot, or maybe I do… but I don’t remember them… not even briefly; Except when I have a nightmare.

In real life, we tend to remember or focus more on the bad stuff rather than what is going well and what makes us happy. It tends to be easier to remember how someone has hurt us, rather than the many times they managed to put a smile on our face.

And it seems like when it comes to dreams, my brain tends to highlight the bad stuff too. Not only that, but I manage to wake up at ungodly hours, become annoyed about what made me have such a nightmare, and as soon as I fall asleep with the hopes that the dream ends there, it ironically continues right were it paused earlier. The HORROR!

Because having a restless night is not enough, I end up in a bad mood and wonder why I dreamt this. Although I do not believe that dreams mean something in particular, sometimes I wonder if my nightmares are trying to indicate something wrong with my life.

 

 

Of Paranoia and Disbelief

One of my worst habits, or shall I dare say defects that I personally dislike in myself is being paranoid.

After being lied to time and time again, a part of me automatically starts thinking of the worst in people, or in situations.

Lets take the following example; My life has been rather decent for a couple of days. Upon realising this, I start getting worried. I am damn aware that this won’t last a lifetime. That something bad is about to crop up and ruin my happiness. BAM! Paranoia switches on and I start looking for the next thing to go bad.
At this point, I will start making lists in my head without even knowing. It’s like 50% of my RAM (or, brain cells) are invested in this. So, from the people close to my heart, who will disappoint me next? Is there one who is ignoring me, or not ever taking the initiative to get in contact with me? Why is he doing this? What have I done? Am I not good enough? I would start thinking this, and try to hide my emotions from them, as if I don’t care on what I think is going on. I’d become “cold”, answer “in short”, appear to be lost in thoughts, preoccupied or unavailable for them. Sometimes, my conclusions cannot even be justified by a decent reason. Lets say, I saw person X online, this person read my message and didn’t get back to me. Or person Y who usually meets me once a week, has been ignoring me completely. And all the above starts going through my head over and over again… So much so, that it deprives me from sleeping and in the morning, I am not only tired, but still thinking about this. Most of the time this happens for days on end.

Although my paranoia is justified because of all the crap I have gone through in past experiences, I must admit, that my brain takes me to places, I never wish existed.

So, if you know a person who suffers from the same thing as I do, let’s just say, if we are bothering you, or you have something to say to us, you are better off being blunt, to the point and just blurt it out. After all, once we cross to the bad side, no excuse will be good enough for your behaviour; You are always better off with being upfront!
In conclusion, nothing good can come out of paranoia, and it could get as bad as we just ignore you for the rest of our lives, with no explanation given. After all, in our head, we believe that you are doing the same to us, or even worse.

//end of rant.