Category Archives: Advice

Steffi Advice #5: Will you settle down for much less than you deserve?

engagement ring

Dear Steffi,

This year I will be 30 years old, and I think it is high time I settle down, get married, have a family of my own. I have been seeing the same man for just over a year and I think we are old enough to take our relationship to the next level, since we both share the same goal of having kids. I will propose to him this summer. Although he is not the man I thought I’d be with, he has proven to be loyal and committed. He doesn’t have a good job, but maybe that will change if we get more serious. He says he cares about me but he is not passionate around me. When I tell him my worries or ask for help, he doesn’t do much about them. He doesn’t mistreat me and that is to me, very important. I have been in lots of long relationships but never found someone who wants to have a family with me. Should I risk it all and propose? My friends are not being supportive.

Hard-Headed

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Dear Hard-Headed,

Just like you, I have not been very lucky with all things love and relationships. I have had 3 major relationships, but they all turned to dust after around 3 to 4 years. I spent months wondering what I have been doing wrong, and what could I have possibly done so bad in my life to deserve this; but I have not yet found an answer. So every time, I pulled myself together, and tried again. I’m 28 years old, and I must admit that I am not where I thought I’d me in my love life. But that does not mean that I’d jump the gun as soon as I hear someone saying that they want to get married and have kids. It is currently one of the goals I want to reach, but is he the ideal partner to do it with?

Are you ready to live a life with no passion and no public affection? Have you even thought how this would affect your future children? And he does mistreat you, if he doesn’t listen to you, if he doesn’t help you…. If he doesn’t try to cheer you up when you are down! It is not the words that make up a man, it is his actions. If he doesn’t help you now, when it’s all about you two, how do you expect him to help you when there are little children running about? I wouldn’t call it a family, if there is no respect, no empathy, no affection and no support…

Being a lover of literature and romance, I consider myself to be a very old fashioned person when it comes to love and relationships. I would never settle for someone who doesn’t find time to make me feel special, and the occasional romantic surprise.

Much Love x x x

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What is your biggest regret?

There are days, and times when I struggle to be inspired; I don’t mean it just in finding something to write about, but also in life in general.

There are times, where I feel stuck… Maybe because I don’t think that there is something that exciting going on in my life currently, or perhaps, I start wondering whether I have made the right decisions in the past… Whether I regret something, whether it is too late to start anew.

Then, there are days like today, where you are browsing the internet out of boredom, hoping you come across something interesting… and it finally happens:

Knowing you are not the only person who has regrets, should give you hope and enough inspiration to keep fighting… To take THAT risk, to get out of your comfort zone and make your dreams come true… Because, what could possibly come out of life if you always play it safe, if you don’t feel truly alive… and happy?

What is your biggest regret? Isn’t it the fear itself… The fear of failing?
Take the leap!

The Art of Jealousy

Some, argue that jealousy in small doses is good for a relationship or a friendship to grow. I certainly disagree, and I do so from previous experiences.

It is true, that when your partner is jealous of you, (s)he would give you moreattention. But this kind of attention, is not necessarily the good kind of Jealous-muchattention that you are seeking for. Jealousy is more often than not derived from lack of trust and various self-insecurities (Maybe because of previous life experiences or trauma? Psychological issues?). It will urge you to be possessive, be suspicious and in the long run threaten your relationship.

If you can’t trust your partner, why are you with them in the first place?
Issues related to jealousy and trust, will eat you from the inside. You’d become paranoid, with a feeling of abandonment… No relationship with these symptoms can end well.

It is a known fact that leading cause of spousal homicides are related to jealousy. 

On the other hand, your partner will feel badgered and frustrated because (s)he is not being trusted. All the mundane and constant questioning is tiring;
What are you doing?
Where are you?
Where are you going?
Who you’re going with?
These questions are demoralising, leaving the person without any personal space and feeling guilty.

jealous gf

It is okay that your partner wants some space, to do some things (s)he enjoys doing alone.
You can agree on an evening a week to spend apart, play that game you wanted to play, catch up with friends or go clothes shopping. I believe, it is important to have a life outside your relationship.

My advise:
1. Put yourself into his or her shoes – how would you feel if this jealousy issue was the other way round? Does your friend / partner deserve this?
2. Communicate your feelings constructively and without blaming the other person

Steffi Advice #4 – 50 Shades of Office Inappropriateness

Dear Steffi,50

I work with another 8 women and we all have read the Fifty Shades of Grey and expressed interest in the book and the movie. Few days before the movie was released in the local cinema, we received an email from our manager inviting us for lunch, drinks and then to watch the movie together. I felt it was weird and that the movie is not work-friendly. Because our manager gets defensive we all decided not to bring this out to him and simply go to the event altogether. How can I explain to him that he crossed a line without creating a chaos in the office?

Shady

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Dear Shady,

Although it is lovely and appreciated to have colleagues which you are friends with, I would think this is awkward especially since the only male figure who attended was your manager. I would not feel comfortable watching this movie with my boss, imagining what he is thinking while watching it, and seeing your reactions to the movie; even if you were taking the piss at the movie, like I did with my group of friends! I guess, if I were in that situation I would have tried to agree with the rest of the colleagues, so together we could decline the offer since it was not an appropriate outing for work. It would have been one step forward towards showing your boundaries and hopefully one step closer for your boss to learn his limits.

Much Love XXX

Steffi Advice #3 – Inhabitable Situation with Parents

Dear Steffi,

I am 32 years old and I still live with my parents. I am about to be married in 2 years, and it is best to stay with them as it is cheaper this way and can save more money for the wedding. But they make me so angry, I want to punch a wall sometimes.

Wall Puncher

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Dear Wall Puncher,

I can understand your situation as I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who went through this problem. When you are of a certain age, and you want your own privacy and space, it is a huge challenge to keep living with your parents without any fights and disruptions. Two years is quite some time, and I doubt that you should wait this long. Being stressed and angry with your situation, is not only bad for your relationship with your parents, but also with your soon to be spouse as well as with friends. It can affect your sleep and thus your behaviour at work and your motivation in everything else. I would suggest that you find a flat mate or perhaps see if one of your friends would like to join forces to live together to reduce costs. if you have bought a home with your partner and it’s habitable you can consider moving there, if you are both in agreement to it. You can give it a try for a number of days, and see if you prefer this to your current living situation. Good luck!

Much Love XXX

Steffi Advice #2 – Boyfriend harassed into Marriage

Dear Steffi,

My girlfriend of 6 years has finally gotten what she wanted. I have been forced into buying a house with her as I am tired of her nagging; ‘we should get married’. Now I feel unhappy and our relationship is in a mess and it’s all her fault.

Sad but True

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Dear Sad but True,

Pressuring someone to get what you want is never a good idea. Forcing someone into doing things for you always has a price to pay. There is no easy way of saying this, but buying that house together was not a very bright decision. This is clearly putting a bigger strain on the future of your relationship. I think it is time to talk to each other, and perhaps talk to a counsellor to see if it is a relationship worth saving or if you should start anew. Buying a house with someone is a huge commitment, and you both do not seem to be at that stage, even if you have been together for 6 years. For a moment, think about yourself, and whether this is the life you want to lead. Imagine what the nagging might get you into next time round!
Remember, loving someone, being with someone and committing to someone should come natural, and with mutual agreement; not enforced.

Much Love XX

Steffi Advice #1 – Single and Frustrated

Dear Steffi,

I have been single for a number of years and I am starting to wonder why I have been for so long. Most guys that are interested in me are either nerd looking or those who just wanna have sex and get on with life without me. What do you think am I doing wrong?

Frustrated.

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Dear Frustrated,

Although a number of years might seem to be a long time, it spares you the heart ache of dating someone who you do not have enough interest in. Fill up your time with other things, stop waiting for prince charming. Love comes when you least expect it, or so they say. I have been single for almost a year myself, but I have come into terms with it. There’s nothing wrong with being single. Love yourself, enjoy the freedom. There will be time in your life when you are going to regret not taking advantage of this situation. Travel, read, learn a sport or a hobby, have random chats with strangers, focus on yourself.
I’m sure there are good men out there, he will come to you… or you will come to him; at the right moment, at the right time. Maybe you will have to kiss a few frogs before you find the prince, but remember… everyday you are one step closer.
As much as I don’t want you to give up, I want you to make the most out of your current situation.

Much Love XX

First Advise / Opinion contact received

So today I have received the first contact on my website, asking for advice. I am  really happy about this, because it means that random people are coming across my blog, and they are entrusting me in being part of their decision making.

I would like to thank this person, and let them know that I will be replying to their question tomorrow. This delay is so that I can think it through and give you the best answer possible. It will be worth the wait I hope 🙂

If you do have any questions or feedback, please do so by clicking here.