Tag Archives: attention

The Relationship Masks Are Slipping, But What Can You Do If You Don’t Like What’s Underneath?

The early days of a relationship are always a show of sorts. We put on our best faces for dates and try to paint ourselves in the brightest light possible. If we really like someone, we may even change our views to please them or tell white lies about our true natures.

But, when the relationship gets underway, that mask has to slip. In many ways, this is a good thing. When you let down that guard, true love can come in. Sure, the promise of your ‘perfect man’ might have caught your attention in the first place. But, you may not know he’s ‘the one’ until you seem him at a weak moment.

That said, this slipping of masks is often a painful process, and can be fraught with unpleasant surprises. It may be that there’s a habit or quirk to your partner’s personality which you really don’t like. When you think about it, it makes sense that they would hide this. Who goes on a date and grandstands their worst personality traits? Over time, you may come to realize that your seemingly gentle boyfriend has a nasty temper. Or, perhaps that attentive man spends more time on his phone than you first thought. The issue which makes itself known may be even severe, like a gambling addiction, or something like depression.

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Sadly, this period is where many relationships end. And, believe it or not, that’s rarely due to the realisation that Mr Perfect is only human. In fact, most of the time, our attempts to change our partners put the nail in the romance coffin. You know how it is; you look past his temper because you think you can cure him of it. You assume that, because he’s with you now, his depression should evaporate.

But, here’s a horrible truth; love isn’t an instant fix. While it is a crucial part of life, it can’t just clear the way of problems. What’s more, approaching a relationship with thoughts of changing a person is the worst thing you can do. It suggests that you love your idea of them, not who they are. And, we all know that love is about accepting someone for their true selves. In fact, the only real time change would be the best route open to you is if this bad personality trait puts your partner at risk. Otherwise, you should attempt to help your partner when you notice these issues. It isn’t easy, but it may be the only way to keep your relationship healthy. And, we’re going to look at a few of the ways you can achieve it.

Recognize their triggers

For the most part, traits like these come with triggers. It’s likely certain things set off that raging temper, for instance. Equally, there may be certain situations which drive a gambler to hit the casino. As their partner, it’s your responsibility to notice. Do this without comment or judgement. Observe and accept the situation. Then, do what you can to help them avoid situations like these where possible. If you see your raging man getting mad, grab his hands and do a quick dance around the room, or something equally fun. This will distract his attention, as well as reinforcing your relationship. You may also notice that he’s more liable to gamble when worried about money. If you’re at the stage where you’re living together, do what you can to keep finances in check, or discuss ways to make more money. Again, this will help with communication, as well as distraction. It may be best, though, not to outwardly tell him about the triggers you’ve noticed. Making him aware of your observations could turn to a trigger in itself. He’ll also then be able to tell when you’re distracting attention, and that could drive him further towards the places you don’t want him to go.

Point him down a better path

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This step is tricky. Get it wrong, and you could slip into the territory of trying to change your partner. But, if you take your time here, you may find that you can point him down a better path. The trick here is not to speak in definites. Merely make suggestions which you think would improve a situation. Do this subtly, so that your man doesn’t feel you’re preaching to him. It could be that leave a program on television discussing ways to deal with anger. Or, you may want to look at sites like Casino Guru which could at least recommend reliable casinos if he is going to gamble. If mental illness is the issue, talk to him about his treatment options. Through discussions, he may find he settles on a new approach which could work well. And, you can achieve all this without ever directly attempting to change the way your lover behaves. Instead, he’ll come to associate you as a reassuring presence who helps him make his own decisions.

Focus on the future

Focusing on the future is always a good idea in a relationship. If things start to stagnate, it can lead to frustration and disillusionment. But, it becomes even more critical in cases like these. If, for instance, your partner is depressed, a focus on your plans as a couple could be a considerable incentive for recovery. If it’s a mutual decision, a determination to have kids in the future could be all it takes to encourage your partner to get help. Equally, this could encourage them to face up to addictions, be they gambling or anything else. The knowledge of future parenthood could even help with anger management problems. After all, no one wants to be that parent who shouts all the time. Bear in mind that it’s essential you let your partner lead conversations like these. If they aren’t ready to discuss this kind of thing, pressure could push them further into a negative place. But, if you’re both in the same headspace here, the future could be the best tonic.

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Take the leap

I have probably wrote about this topic about a gazillion times, but hey ho… I am trying to understand myself better… and at the same time I am wondering if it is just me who’s like this, or whether it is something which is more common than I realise.

I am the kind of person, who puts others before her; be it their needs, their happiness… you name it. I try to always be there, to listen, to help, to support, to give others my two cents. To help them on their way to goodness, fulfillment… joy to the world they say!

And in return, I neglect myself. I put myself through shit.. through disappointment, through pain… just in the name of seeing others doing better. No, I don’t regret being there for friends, I love putting a smile on people’s  faces. But what about me?

Yes, what about me?

Okay, I don’t want to sound selfish… but this is definitely not right. I feel stressed, worn out… at times beyond repair.

My guess is, I am the problem.

I need to learn how to let go…. let go of people and things which are bad for me, who don’t deserve half the time and attention I give them. I need to stop people from abusing my generosity. I need to learn to be okay with just being me, and in my own company and shoes.

I should stop hiding behind other people’s problems and dive into fixing what is wrong with my life and myself. I have been here before, I take on more than I can keep up with, just so I don’t have to think about what needs to get done in my life; to stop focusing on what I am scared to face… to stop working on my dreams, just because I am scared to fail… yet again.

I know that, everything I want is on the other side of fear.

So, why can’t I take the leap?

I know what I want, so why do I do this to myself? Why do I punish myself so much?

More on this topic, here.

 

Skincare SOS! Simple Solutions For Winter Woes

Winter can be a troublesome time when it comes to your skin. The elements can take their toll and leave your skin looking dull and feeling dry and flaky. If you’re keen to prevent winter woes, here are simple skincare solutions.

Get your blood pumping

Exercise is usually linked to losing weight and gaining fitness. But it also offers incredible benefits for your skin. When your body is moving, your circulation increases. This enables important nutrients to reach your skin, and toxins to be removed from your body. When you’re working out, your skin may not look great. Many people feel self-conscious when they’re hot and sweaty. However, you should notice the benefits once you’ve cooled down. Your complexion should look clearer, brighter, and more youthful. Try and avoid the temptation of wearing makeup when you’re working out. This can clog your pores, and increase the risk of breakouts.

skinImage from https://pixabay.com/en/outdoor-sport-runner-exercise-1270804/

Go for a massage

Massage spa treatments are famed for their relaxation properties. However, they can also be hugely beneficial for your skin. When you have a massage, your therapist will often use creams and oils that nourish and hydrate your skin. The movements and actions they use also increase blood flow. There are lots of different types of massage, such as Swedish massage and hot stone massage. If you’re not sure which option to go for, do some research. The spa or therapist you choose will also be able to give you recommendations based on your needs or preferences. If you have back pain, for example, one type of massage may be more beneficial than another.

skin1Image credit https://pixabay.com/en/wellness-massage-sound-massage-285591/

Stay hydrated

When it’s warm outside, it’s easy to get through gallons of water. In the winter, it can be hard to stay hydrated. Your skin often shows the first signs of dehydration. You may notice that it feels dry or your complexion lacks radiance. Try and ensure that you drink enough water each day. Ideally, you should aim for at least 2 liters. If you don’t like plain water, add sugar-free cordial. If you find it hard to hit your daily target, make sure you carry a bottle of water around with you at all times.

skin2Image from https://www.flickr.com/photos/aquamech-utah/24441559784

Moisturise frequently

Wind and rain can cause your skin to become dry and irritated. In the cooler months, it’s essential to pay due care and attention to moisturisation. You’ll need a thicker, heavier cream than you could use in the summer. Don’t just apply lotion to your face. Cover your whole body, including your hands. When it’s chilly outside, your hands can often become very dry. If you have sensitive skin, try and avoid perfumed products. Look out for creams that are specially designed for dry skin. Don’t forget to look after your lips. Use lip balm once or twice a day to keep chapped lips at bay.

skin3Image from https://pixabay.com/en/skin-care-cosmetics-natural-1309504/

Winter can be notoriously harsh on your skin. This winter, follow these simple steps to keep your skin nourished. If you’re prone to problems, and you can’t find a solution, see your doctor or a dermatologist. They will be able to recommend treatments and self-help tips.

I Miss You

As a person who thinks a lot, my mind dwells… Especially in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep… How awful is that? 😉

Well last night, I made a ground-breaking discovery; It might be nothing unusual for some, but in my case it helps me understand myself and others around me better.

When someone says I miss you, how often is it meaningful, and how often is it just a conversation filler? These words are so often overused, that they tend to lose their meaning just like when you say I love you every five minutes. It has become such a habit for people to say it, that you just never know when it is truthful or not. Besides, what are you supposed to say when someone says this to you? Oh yeah… I miss you too.

I have also realised, that there are two kinds of “I miss you”

  • There’s the I miss you when I am bored and lonely
    So basically, this is when you are bored in work, or at home and have nothing better to do. So you would miss certain people in your life. Perhaps a good friend or someone important to you.
  • There’s the I miss you when I am busy and having lots of fun
    The nicest kind of I miss you, as you are thinking of certain people while you are having a blast – You are having such a lovely time, yet you feel something is missing and you wish that person is there to enjoy it with you. True affection, need I say more?

I have never been the kind of person who overuses such phrases.

I am a romantic, I love literature, I think I am passionate and quite an emotional person with the right people.my

This in mind;
I make sure that when I say these words, I mean them.
When I say these words, I am genuine.
And I do not expect a mutual agreement.
Because… you should say such words not to seek attention, but because that is how you feel.

Compliments

I am not a person who accepts compliments easily and for various reasons
– Lack of self confidence
– People are more often than not, not genuine, and compliment you out of sarcasm, or simply to compliment them back
– Just awkward, especially when it is a random unknown person

Lets take an example of what has happened today. I got home right after work, 15 minutes before the shops close, I realised I forgot to buy something I needed for the day so I dressed up in the first thing I found nearby and went out. In the next 10 minutes, I was “complimented” by 3 strangers; two regarding my hair, and another regarding my general appearance.
In my eyes (or in my head, because I didn’t look in the mirror!), these adjectives sounded like they were untrustworthy, and were simply said in attempt to get my attention.

When I am feeling upset, or perhaps I am having a bad day, these words give me a bit of a boost… but on average I pretend that I have not heard a thing and keep walking. Well, even if I were to accept such words, should I just keep muttering thank you to  each and every non-creepy looks legit enough person?