Tag Archives: me

Take the leap

I have probably wrote about this topic about a gazillion times, but hey ho… I am trying to understand myself better… and at the same time I am wondering if it is just me who’s like this, or whether it is something which is more common than I realise.

I am the kind of person, who puts others before her; be it their needs, their happiness… you name it. I try to always be there, to listen, to help, to support, to give others my two cents. To help them on their way to goodness, fulfillment… joy to the world they say!

And in return, I neglect myself. I put myself through shit.. through disappointment, through pain… just in the name of seeing others doing better. No, I don’t regret being there for friends, I love putting a smile on people’s  faces. But what about me?

Yes, what about me?

Okay, I don’t want to sound selfish… but this is definitely not right. I feel stressed, worn out… at times beyond repair.

My guess is, I am the problem.

I need to learn how to let go…. let go of people and things which are bad for me, who don’t deserve half the time and attention I give them. I need to stop people from abusing my generosity. I need to learn to be okay with just being me, and in my own company and shoes.

I should stop hiding behind other people’s problems and dive into fixing what is wrong with my life and myself. I have been here before, I take on more than I can keep up with, just so I don’t have to think about what needs to get done in my life; to stop focusing on what I am scared to face… to stop working on my dreams, just because I am scared to fail… yet again.

I know that, everything I want is on the other side of fear.

So, why can’t I take the leap?

I know what I want, so why do I do this to myself? Why do I punish myself so much?

More on this topic, here.

 

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Forgetfulness

I hold no shame when I say, I am terrible at names, be it regular people I meet randomly, colleagues or celebrities. I sure take my sweet time to remember names, and sometimes I forget again when I lose contact or I stop watching a TV series (in case of celebrities!). I have never been one who learns by heart, but instead i learn logically or things which in my head make sense. It kind of explains that the only 3 phone numbers I know are my mum’s, dad’s and mine. All of which I have learned more than a decade ago. I can’t even for the life of me remember my landline number. Funny I know!

forgetfulness

I think it is rather ironic that I struggle with this, yet there are events in my life and sometimes people too, who I would much rather forget about… And why is it so easy to remember song lyrics (especially when they are so damn silly!). I swear, it has to do with the rhythm of the music…Maybe such things are taking too much of my “brain space” – space which I can use for more fruitful and useful things.

Are you with me on this one?

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my 29th birthday.

It is only one year until I’m 30! When I say it like this, it sounds scary… I am growing old! Luckily I have a lot of older friends, so I do not feel too bad about it! Haha 😉

I am not much of a birthday person. As much as I enjoy the fact that family and close friends remember the day I was born, I do not crave the need to do something special on a day like this. (We age on a daily basis not on a yearly basis!) In fact, I am not too comfortable being in the center of attention. I would rather open up a bottle of wine, snuggle up on the couch and enjoy a good movie. If only it was not this warm right now in Malta….!

Having said that, this coming year I will try to be happy for what I have achieved, and where my life is taking me, rather than focusing on the fact that I am growing older. I will attempt to be thankful for who I have become, and welcome the coming year with arms wide open. I am grateful to those who have supported me, and listened to me complain about what was bringing me down. I appreciate especially those who pushed me to do well, change jobs and not to lose hope! When I stop thinking about how unlucky I am at times, I come to realise how good it feels to be alive, how I survived so many difficulties and heartache this year, and because of this, I have become a stronger person. More than ever, I know what I want in life and I am determined to not let anyone get in the way of myself following my heart and my dreams.

baby_megrownup

Hello 29, let’s kick some ass!

Should we stop asking questions?

Should we stop asking questions, and accept our fate?
Should we just give up on things being how we want them to be?
Should we stop worrying… take life as it comes?
Should we stop dreaming?
Should stop challenging ourselves?
Should we not aim for the stars?

I will never stop questioning things, I will never stop learning things, I will never be okay with where I stand. For if I do, then what’s next? I’d be stuck for eternity doing the same things, living the same life.

Questions will help you grow.

questions

I want to see the world, experience new adventures and new cultures.
I want to be more than just Steffi who works in IT.
I do not want my job to define me, and I don’t want my life to be linear.
I want to evolve, become a better person of myself.
I want my life to be exciting, hopeful and achievement driven.

I want be satisfied; I am content with what I have, but to me contentment is knowing that there will always be something new to discover and that boredom will never be a threat.

It’s ok now…

The sky was crying
hiding away my tears.
It was ok to weep now
no one will see.

Inside, I’m broken
Inside, I’m empty
Without you, I’m nothing
But for you, I was no one.

All the sacrifices,
All I wanted for us,
For you, insignificant
I was just another girl.

There was no point in us,
I was blind.
Treated you as my king,
my everything.

You and I
no longer are,
no longer will be
we are history.

______________________
By Steffi ~
This is not my current situation. I am merely depicting a painful story.

Black Books!

You are probably reading this, because you know my geeky self, and you have an idea what I’m about to talk about.

Second clue would be… Bill Bailey!

I suppose if you are still reading this, you are either aware of what I am talking about (fingers crossed), or otherwise you must be a curious cat. If you are the latter, Black Books is a British sitcom featuring Bill Bailey, Dylan Moran and Tamsin Greig. It is all filmed within a bookshop and it is hilarious.

During my visit to London in July, I made my way to Black Books of course… I was staying in a hotel within 5 minutes walking distance, so I could not miss out the opportunity.

Needless to say, I was delighted I finally made it:

steffisays-blackbooks-fandom-me

Some book that really caught my eye in the book shop display 🙂 steffisays-blackbooks-fandom-caught my eye

Remember, Remember

…The 5th of November!!

guyfawkes
For those who are not in the know, the 5th of November is the night we celebrate Guy Fawkes.

But… Who was Guy Fawkes?
Imagine England in the 1600s.. Still under shock and divided between Catholics and Protestants; of course this goes way back since the reign of King Henry VIII. Four kings later, religion did not change and the pressure was still undergoing. The story of Guy Fawkes happened two years after James I was crowned as king. In fact, Fawkes was one of the main members of The Gunpowder Plot of 1605. A group of Catholics have attempted to bomb, or rather blow up the House of Parliament and kill the king. The idea was to protest against the rule of a Protestant King. Guy was the chosen one, the one to light the fuse on D DAY. Because of this reason, he got a lot of attention regarding the conspiracy story; and also a day named after him.

If the story sounds familiar to you… It is probably because you have watched the film V for Vendetta.
Join me tonight and make it a yearly habit; Join me by watching this. Lets remember this night of treason, together.

So, what are we celebrating on this day?
I would dare say, that for the Brits, this day is Thanksgiving Day. The tradition itself started on the same day and year that the Gunpowder Plot had the failed coup. It started as a joyful celebration of Londoners, relieved that their King was saved. This was done by the means of a bonfire.
As time went by, the celebration became more elaborate. Preparations for the Bonfire Night did not include just the bonfire, but also fireworks. Before this day, some would also dare making a dummy of Guy Fawkes, the Pope and some even of politicians. Guy’s dummy is placed on top of the bonfire, and once it is alight, people would throw into the fire the other dummies. Fireworks display fills the sky all over Britain, and some would also light their own fireworks from their home garden.

Bonfire Night is not just celebrated in Britain, as the tradition itself crossed oceans all over and has become popular in a lot of the British colonies along the years. Canada and New Zealand for instance still celebrate it.

steffisays-guyfawkes-2012
When I lived in England, I was very keen about this Day. I even got my own mask. X

Of Paranoia and Disbelief

One of my worst habits, or shall I dare say defects that I personally dislike in myself is being paranoid.

After being lied to time and time again, a part of me automatically starts thinking of the worst in people, or in situations.

Lets take the following example; My life has been rather decent for a couple of days. Upon realising this, I start getting worried. I am damn aware that this won’t last a lifetime. That something bad is about to crop up and ruin my happiness. BAM! Paranoia switches on and I start looking for the next thing to go bad.
At this point, I will start making lists in my head without even knowing. It’s like 50% of my RAM (or, brain cells) are invested in this. So, from the people close to my heart, who will disappoint me next? Is there one who is ignoring me, or not ever taking the initiative to get in contact with me? Why is he doing this? What have I done? Am I not good enough? I would start thinking this, and try to hide my emotions from them, as if I don’t care on what I think is going on. I’d become “cold”, answer “in short”, appear to be lost in thoughts, preoccupied or unavailable for them. Sometimes, my conclusions cannot even be justified by a decent reason. Lets say, I saw person X online, this person read my message and didn’t get back to me. Or person Y who usually meets me once a week, has been ignoring me completely. And all the above starts going through my head over and over again… So much so, that it deprives me from sleeping and in the morning, I am not only tired, but still thinking about this. Most of the time this happens for days on end.

Although my paranoia is justified because of all the crap I have gone through in past experiences, I must admit, that my brain takes me to places, I never wish existed.

So, if you know a person who suffers from the same thing as I do, let’s just say, if we are bothering you, or you have something to say to us, you are better off being blunt, to the point and just blurt it out. After all, once we cross to the bad side, no excuse will be good enough for your behaviour; You are always better off with being upfront!
In conclusion, nothing good can come out of paranoia, and it could get as bad as we just ignore you for the rest of our lives, with no explanation given. After all, in our head, we believe that you are doing the same to us, or even worse.

//end of rant.

All Hallows’ Eve and Jagermeister

This last Saturday marked the final night out before I travel back to Wales, and it being my favourite holiday of the year, Halloween, I made sure it ended with a bang.

It was the first time I have ever experimented with fake blood, and I underestimated it. Never realised it was so runny and that it so much takes time (was it 15 mins, or 30 minute?) to dry! It kept moving and dripping everywhere. Patience was running low as I kept worrying that I might ruin my dress, but luckily all is good when it ends well.

Originally, I wanted to dress up like some sort of a goth-zombie Jessica Rabbit. I thought it would be funny, since a lot of people pulled my leg about me pulling off that character. Unfortunately the wig I had in mind never made it, so I improvised with the only red and black wig (thus the goth part of the costume) I had available.

When I finished off the make up and added the blood, I looked more like some sort of vampire rather than anything else. BUT I was still rather pleased about the outcome. Especially when people asked me whether my wig was my real hair.

Some photos of the outcome and the night out itself:

Halloween-2015-steffisays-1

Halloween-2015-steffisays-2 Halloween-2015-steffisays-3

Am I?

I am everything and nothing;

I am –

The light within your sorrows
Your ray of hope.

Your living nightmare;
The darkness in your dreams.

I am –

The occasional disappointment;
The untrustworthy.

The temptress, biting your neck;
Handcuffs and high-heels.

I am what I choose to be.

_______________________________
By Steffi ~